In the imminent unknown that is the year 2020, my life has been, if not, just as equally as fucked up as this godforsaken year. From moving back from New York as it was en route to becoming the epicenter of coronavirus in February, to getting dumped a week after on Valentines Day, to self quarantining due to the pandemic in March, to enrolling in grad school when all the CSU’s have announced remote learning in May… life has been difficult. But as I’ve said previously, I’ve been making lemonade.
When I first started this blog I was at the peak of sexual infatuation with the last male figure in my life, using writing as an outlet to describe how I felt for him without directly telling him. I invested so much into that relationship that I did not nearly invest as much into myself. For almost three years my world revolved around him and the biggest decision of my young life, to move to the east coast, can also be credited to him. And even now, in post apocalyptic America, some of my steps moving forward can also lead back to him… but in a Ariana Grande “Thank u, next” type of vibe…. “I’m so fuckin grateful for my ex.”
So what once was a blog focused to navigate feelings of love, lust, hurt and heartbreak, will now be used to explore life as a single woman in her late 20s, starting from square one in the city of Los Angeles and it’s surrounding counties. Step 1: Cut ties with your ex for the hundredth time. Step 2: Delete dating apps. Step 3: Actually say yes to your friend’s invitation to hangout with her boyfriend and his friends/family.
Single Jillian is unpredictable, she constantly requires attention and is everywhere and nowhere at once. She spends most of her time trying to escape from reality, day dreaming about love and lust and the pursuit of happiness. Her fantasies manifest across her face and you’ll catch her with a half smirked smile as she speaks to her inner self. “If only you did this instead of this,” she reasons, “then maybe you wouldn’t be where you’re at right now.” But alas, she is at peace with the idea of being alone again and is equally excited and nervous to be marketing herself in a sea full of people. The last time Jillian was single she held the world at her fingertips- flirting with the universe and having an affair with the stars. She knew what she wanted, but wasn’t too particular how she got it.. she had more to offer in a glance then most do in a lifetime. Jillian, regardless of relationship status, is hands down a lover of life, a fitness wannabe, a beginner wine sommelier, and a practicing writer.
During the pandemic I’ve worked on refocusing my energy into causes that I’ve always cared about most. I’m not saying that being in a relationship inhibited my role to give back to the community- because that’s on me- but sometimes when you immerse yourself completely into someone else’s standard of living, who doesn’t share the same political views as you nor understands the emotional capacity of your inner working, it’s easier to be complacent in order to be happy. Since March, I became a foster parent to stray kittens to two little babies I named Pepper and Paprika; they were saved from a dumpster and later adopted by two loving families. I started volunteering at the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank to help distribute care packages to those who struggle with food insecurity, even more so in the time of COVID-19. And for what it’s worth, I marched in the suburbs of the Inland Empire to protest police brutality in the wake of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Abery and Elijah McClain’s unjust murders.
Life is not where I want it, but it’s where I need it (supposedly). Cheers to 27. Cheers to learning, cheers to achieving, and cheers to the start of a new beginning- again!