100 días de soledad

arte

Where do you find strength in yourself when nothing else seems feasible?

I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m hurt.

The past month has been hell for me; teetering between happiness and sadness where the latter most certainly outweighs the former. I’ve been desperately searching for the rainbow after the storm but with the current state of the world I’m in the eye of the hurricane.

It’s so hard doing this alone, in isolation, dealing with a heartbreak amongst other things- I feel so dejected.

I’m hoping and wishing for better days ahead, because right now I am fighting.

***

It’s peculiar how people you’ve known for a lesser amount of time will be the first to ask you if you’re doing O.K., more so than people who’ve known you for quite a while.

Something about the compassion of a stranger makes pain bearable. It shows that feelings of loss and lament are universal. But it will always be difficult for me to respond to someone’s unrecognized kindness because of a natural hindrence to unfamiliarity. However, I will always be grateful for those who go out of their way to do so.

These days have been so challenging, trying to remember who I was and who I ought to be. I can’t but help listen to the inner demons within myself, pulling and pushing between the positive and negative. Every morning is a struggle to find peace but by nightfall I feel I have won the day. What I want to say to myself is that anxiety won’t get the best of me, and in crucial times like now, I will overcome what will one day be just a horrid memory.

I have done it before and I will do it again.

For the first time in my life I am addressing my mental health issues publicly and I don’t really know what to tell you besides to seek help, invest in therapy and open yourself up.

It’s been about a month since I’ve started seeing a psychologist and I’ve never felt so exposed. But sometimes revealing your most inner thoughts can almost feel like a fresh of breath air- you no longer have to have the war within yourself. I realize that I am broken, but I am trying so hard to piece myself back together.

In this journey of self help I couldn’t be more grateful for those who’ve I tried to push away or hide things from. In particular, a set of three friends and my immediate family, who’ve received the worse end of it. Despite my failures, I know that I am truly loved and cared for in the midst of this crisis. I mustn’t project my doubts to those who watch over me, and I shouldn’t be so negative towards those around me.

Everyday is a battle to learn to love life again. The toxic distractions of the world are at halt and I face my true self; I am alive and I am breathing. Sometimes, that feels enough.