I had my ups and downs, but I always find the inner strength to pull myself up. I was served lemons, but I made lemonade.
As a last stand for survival and to protect my heart that fell in the deepest of trenches, I cut ties with the one person who I love most.
I held onto hope for the sake of love, but as the weeks went by I knew it wasn’t heading in my favor. Time was coming for the inevitable; the final goodbye. I tortured myself trying to find comfort in purgatory, neither with him nor without him. I suffered. But as the dreadful mornings turned into peaceful nights, I have come to terms with the fact that a relationship won’t cure me. Despite wanting to be in one, despite still loving him, I made the decision to let go.
Little reminders in my room still make my heart sink with the tragic nostalgia of what once was. A note. A picture frame. An old t-shirt. The distant smell of his skin, the stubble of his hair, the last time he kissed my hand. I’ve finally accepted that what once was, was just that; a happy memory now smudged by the tears that had fallen for him.
The first move I made after the last conversation was to take a break from Instagram, the bane of my existence. Staying off social media has really helped my mental state as I continue therapy. And as I truly study myself and look into my deep fear of abandonment, I know I don’t want meaningless interactions and empty validation from that platform. Day by day life seems to be getting easier and I am proud of myself.
Like the lily of the valley, I feel on the cusp of blooming. My pedals stretching wide and looking for nutrients from the sun, I continue to grow. I’ve found happiness again in the open window of my sunlit room, listening to wind brush north to east, south to west, a bird whistling in the tree that covers the corner of my view. I have the spirit again to dance to music and sing random songs while cooking. Exercising in my backyard has also been the best motivator to genuinely feel healthy and good about myself. I see the rainbow after the storm, and I am chasing it.
I think I have finally become accustomed to this “new normal” and I actually quite enjoy it. But I fear that when this is all over, going back to regular life will cripple my progress.
The decision was not what I wanted, but what I needed. And at great costs I self mutilated by cutting off a piece of my own heart. I will always have doubts in the back of my mind wondering if I made the right choice or not. Was it worth it to try to erase him from my life? At this point, getting back together is unclear but there is always a possibility. I don’t know what is going to happen a month or a year from now, but it’s best to be apart.
When you forgive, you heal. When you let go, you grow.