The Art of Letting Go

I had my ups and downs, but I always find the inner strength to pull myself up. I was served lemons, but I made lemonade.

As a last stand for survival and to protect my heart that fell in the deepest of trenches, I cut ties with the one person who I love most.

I held onto hope for the sake of love, but as the weeks went by I knew it wasn’t heading in my favor. Time was coming for the inevitable; the final goodbye. I tortured myself trying to find comfort in purgatory, neither with him nor without him. I suffered. But as the dreadful mornings turned into peaceful nights, I have come to terms with the fact that a relationship won’t cure me. Despite wanting to be in one, despite still loving him, I made the decision to let go.

Little reminders in my room still make my heart sink with the tragic nostalgia of what once was. A note. A picture frame. An old t-shirt. The distant smell of his skin, the stubble of his hair, the last time he kissed my hand. I’ve finally accepted that what once was, was just that; a happy memory now smudged by the tears that had fallen for him.

The first move I made after the last conversation was to take a break from Instagram, the bane of my existence. Staying off social media has really helped my mental state as I continue therapy. And as I truly study myself and look into my deep fear of abandonment, I know I don’t want meaningless interactions and empty validation from that platform. Day by day life seems to be getting easier and I am proud of myself.

Like the lily of the valley, I feel on the cusp of blooming. My pedals stretching wide and looking for nutrients from the sun, I continue to grow. I’ve found happiness again in the open window of my sunlit room, listening to wind brush north to east, south to west, a bird whistling in the tree that covers the corner of my view. I have the spirit again to dance to music and sing random songs while cooking. Exercising in my backyard has also been the best motivator to genuinely feel healthy and good about myself. I see the rainbow after the storm, and I am chasing it.

I think I have finally become accustomed to this “new normal” and I actually quite enjoy it. But I fear that when this is all over, going back to regular life will cripple my progress.

The decision was not what I wanted, but what I needed. And at great costs I self mutilated by cutting off a piece of my own heart. I will always have doubts in the back of my mind wondering if I made the right choice or not. Was it worth it to try to erase him from my life? At this point, getting back together is unclear but there is always a possibility. I don’t know what is going to happen a month or a year from now, but it’s best to be apart.

When you forgive, you heal. When you let go, you grow.

peace
Credit: @amycharlette

100 días de soledad

arte

Where do you find strength in yourself when nothing else seems feasible?

I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m hurt.

The past month has been hell for me; teetering between happiness and sadness where the latter most certainly outweighs the former. I’ve been desperately searching for the rainbow after the storm but with the current state of the world I’m in the eye of the hurricane.

It’s so hard doing this alone, in isolation, dealing with a heartbreak amongst other things- I feel so dejected.

I’m hoping and wishing for better days ahead, because right now I am fighting.

***

It’s peculiar how people you’ve known for a lesser amount of time will be the first to ask you if you’re doing O.K., more so than people who’ve known you for quite a while.

Something about the compassion of a stranger makes pain bearable. It shows that feelings of loss and lament are universal. But it will always be difficult for me to respond to someone’s unrecognized kindness because of a natural hindrence to unfamiliarity. However, I will always be grateful for those who go out of their way to do so.

These days have been so challenging, trying to remember who I was and who I ought to be. I can’t but help listen to the inner demons within myself, pulling and pushing between the positive and negative. Every morning is a struggle to find peace but by nightfall I feel I have won the day. What I want to say to myself is that anxiety won’t get the best of me, and in crucial times like now, I will overcome what will one day be just a horrid memory.

I have done it before and I will do it again.

For the first time in my life I am addressing my mental health issues publicly and I don’t really know what to tell you besides to seek help, invest in therapy and open yourself up.

It’s been about a month since I’ve started seeing a psychologist and I’ve never felt so exposed. But sometimes revealing your most inner thoughts can almost feel like a fresh of breath air- you no longer have to have the war within yourself. I realize that I am broken, but I am trying so hard to piece myself back together.

In this journey of self help I couldn’t be more grateful for those who’ve I tried to push away or hide things from. In particular, a set of three friends and my immediate family, who’ve received the worse end of it. Despite my failures, I know that I am truly loved and cared for in the midst of this crisis. I mustn’t project my doubts to those who watch over me, and I shouldn’t be so negative towards those around me.

Everyday is a battle to learn to love life again. The toxic distractions of the world are at halt and I face my true self; I am alive and I am breathing. Sometimes, that feels enough.