Insecure

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Source: @drawninacorner

This is a post I’ve been thinking about writing for a while now and I’ve always wondered how I should go about it. In a turn of no particular events I’ve decided to share with you my greatest weakness, the cardinal vice of insecurity.

To say that I’ve always been insecure, well, I wouldn’t negate it. It was one of the first conscious thoughts of self-awareness I had when I was a little girl in elementary school. It’s a feeling, a deepness inside me that I haven’t been able to shake off in years.

But I would like to state first that I’ve come a long way since then and have accepted myself for who and what I am.

Struggling with insecurity is like failing a test, you try so hard to study every minute detail of a subject only to underperform and let yourself down. You’re so critical on yourself that not even those around you can comfort you; you are your biggest enemy.

When I was a teenager my insecurities ruled my world. I was insecure about how tall I was, how much bigger I was, how poofy my hair was, how I had small eyes and chubby cheeks; it was a living hell for me. Then in my early twenties I decided to work on myself by killing those insecurities superficially. I dyed my hair red, I started wearing brand name makeup, I bought a gym pass and even went under the knife. Now, just a few weeks shy of officially being in my mid-twenties, the pit of my insecurities harbor inside me like a festering sickness at the bottom of my stomach, waiting for the catalyst that will spread it throughout my body.

My adult insecurities stem from a fear of never being good enough. That I’ve reached the pinnacle of my youth and still have yet to feel comfortable in my own body. I still compare myself to others and still see in myself that little teenage girl in the mirror instead of a beautiful grown woman. My weakness is that I don’t value myself as much as I should. It hurts to even write this because seeing my insecurities manifest itself like this on the one thing I’m proud of most… it’s almost offensive.

But I feel the necessity to share this part of me.

Being in a relationship is also the best thing and worst thing to happen to self-confidence. On one end you have your partner showing you unconditional love that shrinks any self doubt but on the other end, you fear that your partner will manipulate you for someone else. Your insecurities take over and you don’t know how to deal with it.

In my previous two relationships I’ve found out that one ex was cheating on me through social media and the other say to my face that he’s dated other girls prettier than me. I’ve been heartbroken and betrayed and sometimes I think I’ll never forget these moments in my life, but I’ve been coping. At times I even feel like damaged goods because of the fear of going through that again, even more so now that I’m not trying not to jump to conclusions to keep a healthy relationship.

But I still think that it’s true, that girlfriends get jealous if their boyfriends like another girl’s picture. Why? Because in that moment their whole world is giving their attention to someone else. I can’t say every girl is like this but I know for me it’s something that I’ve been trying not to let bother me so much because of what happened to me in previous relationships.

I’ve battled and conquered but the wounds are visceral. Being insecure is a part of me as much as I’m a part of it and just like anyone else, I’m always trying to better myself.

 

Hill St & Broadway

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After spending the holidays with my lover, I decided to spend some time with my lover of 12 years. So, my best friend Stephanie and I left the suburbs and trekked to the city where my heart longs to be, Los Angeles.

I spent the day daydreaming about a fabulous life in downtown, walking in my 6 inch Timberland Glancy boots, repping my giant gold hoop earrings, eating at the Grand Central Market during the lunch rush hour.

While enjoying my seafood paella I realized that three weeks into 2018 my personal goals have never been more adamant. Stephanie and I made a list of resolutions for us to have and to meet for the new year: to loyal friendships and relationships, to career growth, to new travels, and to a bigger wallet.

Already, I feel something inside me changing. I feel celestial but also earthly, like the moon guiding the current of the ocean and the waves creeping back and forth onto the shore. Like I’m finding the happy medium with the person I’m becoming.

I found solace in Amy Winehouse’s lyrics and admiration in Frida Kahlo’s photography. I also have a regeneration in self help using cooking and exercise as my therapy sessions. 

I worry less about what my significant other does on social media and have little to no worry at all about his past relationships. I’ve advanced in not jumping the gun when it comes to dating. Taking things slow and at my own pace. In return, I’ve found my heart growing in all different directions.

If 2016 was the “Year of Yes” and 2017 was the “Year of Uncertainty,” then 2018 is the “Year of Self.”

Making lists and writing things down help organize my thoughts so here are just some things I’ve jotted down for 2018.

-Plan a trip to NYC (Xmas time or earlier, watch a game at MSG or Yankee Stadium, drink a Manhattan in Manhattan)

-Buy a Nikon camera for blog

-Plan a trip to Vegas for Cinco de Mayo or go to Miami for my birthday

-Write about makeup and politics and how they’re intertwined; write a piece for Los Angeles Affairs

-Learn how to make paella and attempt to make it once

-Stop saying “lol” in texts

Fin!